Weigh Loss Journey. Part 1. Introduction.
Introduction.
Veganism. Vegetarianism. Carnivore. Keto. Paleo. Detox. Frutarianism. No sugar. Stevia. Xylitol. Counting calories. Intermittent fasting. All-day fasting. No bread. Protein first, carbs after. Weights. Gym. Cardio. Jogging. Walking. Zero sweets. Supplements. Sublinals. All day. Everyday. Counting, thinking, trying.
Results?
Ever-stopping frustration. Hell in my head.
I am fat. I can’t eat after 18:00. My stomach is bigger than my friends’. I have to hide it and make it flat. How do I do it? When you are hungry - drink green tea. It will stop the hunger and make you lose the fat. My friend is skinny. She told me she is eating only two meals a day. Great idea! I will try that too. I am too fat. I need to lose weight. I have to eat less and work out more. Which other method can I try now?
All such thoughts have their beginning when I was a teenager - a quite skinny one. I was never even close to being overweight. Yet, I was perceiving myself as one and was trying to find the means to lose weight all the time. Until…
Eating Disorder
About 4 years ago,
after another “successful” period of losing weight,
meaning,
after another intense period of undereating and overtraining - my body finally said NO to all I had been doing to it.
The yo-yo effect started, leading me to an eating disorder.
I could not STOP eating. I just couldn’t. It was stronger than anything.
I was STUFFING myself with food to the point where I was lying on the floor and breathing heavily,
feeling disgusted with myself,
going to sleep,
waking up promising myself I would be strong and I would not overeat again,
eventually eating all I could find in my house. Even the dry bread.
My nightmare continued. I put on weight. I felt powerless and totally out of control - yet trying to control the food & my body all the time.
I DESPERATELY wanted to lose weight again. I tried everything. I felt miserable about myself that I “allowed myself” to put on weight.
My relationship with food became so difficult that being around food made me nervous. I avoided all the possible encounters with food because I felt I had no control over it.
I didn’t go home for Christmas because of… FOOD.
In the end, it started to affect my relationships with people around me.
I didn’t want anyone to see me.
I didn’t want to see myself too.
The hate towards my body was bigger than ever.
The relationship with food & my body.
Some examples:
at 23:00, after a difficult work shift in a restaurant’s kitchen - going to the gym not to skip a training day
never-stoping calorie calculations in my head before any bite of food consumed
going to the gym 7 times a week, including cardio & heavy lifting
canceling meetups with friends to avoid unhealthy food
checking my body in the mirror several times a day
being nervous after eating a slice of white bread
measuring every bite of food on a food scale
following countless diet plans & methods
choosing no-sugar, high-protein options
taking all the “important” supplements
running in the snow with wet shoes
feeling very nervous around food
“I will be/do better tomorrow”
starving myself
feeling guilty
and so on,
and so…
Insulin Resistance
Apart from putting on weight - my body was swollen and bloated. After eating anything - my stomach blew like a balloon. My face was puffy. Nothing could ever satisfy my hunger. No matter how much I was eating - I always felt hungry. I thought my stomach didn’t have a bottom. I forgot what being “full & satisfied” felt like. I wish I could eat like “normal” people.
After a year, I was diagnosed with insulin resistance. That was a long-time-waited-for relief. For the first time, I thought:
“Maybe it is not entirely my fault.” “Maybe I am not the only one.” “Maybe I am not doing anything wrong.”
I started to take pills for insulin resistance and I gained hope.
I had to take a pill 3x a day, so I was trying to eat 3x a day too - being very cautious of the time and pill intake.
No pills = anxiety.
I HAD to take the pills.
Otherwise, I was risking putting on weight even more.
The pills were another reason for controlling the food, the type, the amount, the time of the day, etc.
Did I lose weight?
No.
But at least I had something to blame on - it was the insulin resistance, not me.
I had an excuse not to blame myself so much - which after the amount of pressure I was putting on me - was very helpful.
If not the pills for insulin resistance, if not following the guidelines from the doctor or a specific diet or workout - what on earth made me eventually lose almost 10kg and fully HEAL my relationship with food?
The answers are given in the next blog posts.
